I'm Not a Burglar, You're Not a Whore

What if Thorin was first instead of last to Bag End? And what if Bilbo had been expecting someone completely different?

Bilbo Baggins may be a bachelor, but he still has needs. He has been corresponding with someone from Bree, and they have arranged a meeting at Bag End. Only when Bilbo opens the door, he hadn’t thought his partner was a dwarf. Or quite so handsome.

Or, that one where Bilbo mistakes Thorin for his hookup and Thorin isn’t quite sure what to make of his prospective burglar propositioning him for sex. Misunderstandings are had, hair beads are lost, and Gandalf is left wondering how those two could fuck things up quite so badly before the quest even starts.