Ногa

I drove down the empty road, winding through the maze of decrepit buildings. My arms were shaking and my breath constantly hitched. I felt so spooked, I should've just called in sick and gone home…

There had been reports of fighting in the area. Lung had been reportedly brawling with some other villain in the Docks. Lung! I shivered just thinking about it.

I, of all people, was dispatched to go deal with the situation. Me! Why me?! Did I do something wrong? What could I have possibly done to get myself in this situation?!

I turned a corner and came across a- HOLY SHIT IS THAT LUNG?! Oh god he looks like shit. Oh god genitals aren't supposed to look like that are they?

As I looked over him, Lung stirred. I squealed a little internally. I unceremoniously grabbed a bundle of the tranquilizers I specifically designed for Lung and stabbed them into his arm. Geez, I hoped this worked… It'd be really awkward if it didn't. Also I'd die.

It seemed to work. Lung's breathing slowed to a crawl and his twitching ceased. Thank the lord… I welded a huge cage on top of him. Just in case.

Now that Lung was dealt with, I looked around for the villain that Lung was purportedly fighting. Who could it be? Hookwolf? Kaiser? Purity? God I was getting so anxious about this.

Finally I spotted a figure sitting on top of the roof. Wreathed in bugs, yellow eyes, dark scales. Holy shit… They gave me the creeps.

Definitely a villain. Had to be, I mean look at them! I steeled myself for a confrontation, not quite managing it. I had to make my entrance confident.

I drove up with my motorcycle. God that sounded so lame once I said it in my head. A motorcycle? What were you thinking Colin?! Why didn't you go with a jetpack or something? Oh god the villain was gonna think I looked so lame…

Shit. Shit! They're looking straight at me! What do I do what do I do?!

Uh…

Say something!

"You gonna fight me?"

Not that! Anything but that! Oh shit, oh fuck those bugs looked really scary. Did she keep them in her hair? And the way the bugs swarmed around her… she looked kind of badass.

Man I wished I looked as cool as her...

"I'm a good guy." The bug-girl looked me straight in the eye. Fuck she looked scary.

Also, what the hell? She was a good guy?! That can't- I- but she looked so scary!

"You don't look like one," I responded.

Bug-girl's head lowered a bit and I could see her posture slump minutely. Aw man, oh geez, fuck, now I'd gone and hurt her feelings!

Stupid Colin! Stupid motorcycle! Stupid god damn social skills!

"That's... not intentional," she sounded condescending, she was mocking me, I just knew it.

“I was more than halfway done putting the costume together when I realized it was already looking more edgy than I’d intended, and I couldn’t do anything about it by then.”

What? She made the costume herself? And it looked so well-made and cool too! Shit, my armor felt so crummy in comparison. I mean all I really did was design some armor to make me not die and then painted it blue and silver.

I was regretting it now… I probably looked like shit. I always looked like shit. She probably also thought I looked like shit. I could tell. She was definitely thinking about that goddamn stupid underwear branding deal I had agreed to years ago. Just underwear! Nothing else!

I spoke up again. "You're telling the truth."

...Of course she was telling the truth, why would she lie to me?!

God damn it, that's just craptastic! Now she's gonna think I have some kind of lie detector that can tell whether someone's lying or not, and then I'll have to actually invent it or it's gonna be so awkward the next time we meet and it turns out I can't actually detect the truth!

On a random thought, Cauldron vials are organic and halal, but not kosher. You can probably drink one during Lent because Eden didn't bleed.

I guess this Taylor thought about the future after getting powers and saw a long, slow progression towards ever-grander and more horrific abominations, her sanity slipping away by inches as she's forced into increasingly extreme measures to survive in the face of a world that wants her dead or locked up forever.

She envisioned that, then shouted "race you!" before gleefully tobogganing down into the pit of madness.

Alien Corpse Smoothies™

Director Piggot growled in exasperation.

"Problem, Director?" Armsmaster asked.

Piggot grimaced, "Lost my damn stapler."

"Allow me," Armsmaster stepped forward.

He headbutt the stack of papers, Piggot heard a click

Armsmaster heard Jack Slash speaking to Scion, trying to convince him to become something horrible.

He only had one shot at this.

Running up the ramp, he pulled off his right hand and held it out it in front of his mouth.

He screamed into his hands internal microphone, "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"

High above, Scion couldn't really hear what anyone was saying, so he left.

Chompers sat in his circle, head bowed and a sob in the air.

Victoria stopped and looked at him. She didn’t seem scared, but she’d been a Practitioner longer than I had and she’d probably seen a lot scarier stuff.

“These guys are supposed to be really dangerous,” she said. “Worse than a lot of goblins and those can be bad. How did you catch him?”

“I beat him with a stick,” I said.

“Really?” Victoria said, so surprised a laugh escaped her. “Just like that?”

“It was an elf stick,” I said. “There must have been something special about it.”