А мы с нейросетью пытались сообразить ретейл рассказа про Толика Головастова на материале ПЛиО.

​Оригинал
http://aminpro.ru/rass_0002.html


To map characters from A Song of Ice and Fire (ASOIAF) by George R.R. Martin onto the chaotic, darkly comedic tale of Tolik Golovastov’s drunken misadventure, we need to consider both personality traits and situational parallels. The story of Tolik is steeped in military hierarchy, absurdity, and a mix of incompetence and authority, which aligns well with the gritty, flawed characters of Westeros and beyond. Here’s a suggested cast replacement, focusing on key figures from the provided text and their ASOIAF counterparts:
1. Tolik Golovastov (Commander of Combat Unit Five)
Description: An old, fat, drunken mechanic, two years from retirement, whose internal "preparation" (heavy drinking) leads to him getting stuck in a porthole, creating a spectacle of incompetence and stubborn resilience.
ASOIAF Replacement: Robert Baratheon
Why: King Robert, especially in his later years, is a boisterous, overweight drunkard who prioritizes indulgence over duty. His physical decline and penchant for excess mirror Tolik’s state. Robert’s stubbornness and larger-than-life presence also fit Tolik’s role as the chaotic centerpiece of the story—imagine Robert, post-hunt, stuck in a castle window after a night of wine, bellowing incoherently.
Parallel Moment: Tolik’s porthole predicament could be Robert wedged in a Storm’s End window, with his kingsguard frantically trying to extract him.
2. The Commander (Unnamed Ship Commander)
Description: A gruff, no-nonsense leader who reacts to Tolik’s antics with a mix of fury, pragmatism, and colorful insults, ultimately tasked with managing the crisis before higher-ups arrive.
ASOIAF Replacement: Stannis Baratheon
Why: Stannis is a stern, duty-bound commander with a dry wit and a low tolerance for foolishness. His habit of grinding his teeth in frustration and issuing curt, decisive orders (like “Raise it! Tie up this bastard!”) aligns with the commander’s response to Tolik. Stannis’s disdain for incompetence would make him a natural fit to berate a Robert-like figure in this scenario.
Parallel Moment: Stannis ordering his men to “pull” Robert from the window, muttering about honor and discipline while inwardly despairing.
3. The Brigade Commander
Description: A whiny, hand-wringing subordinate who panics at the sight of Tolik and grovels before higher authority, torn between careerism and despair.
ASOIAF Replacement: Varys
Why: While Varys is more cunning than the brigade commander, his theatrical whining (“holy of holies!”) and ability to shift blame while lamenting the situation echo the brigade commander’s meltdown. Varys’s tendency to wring his hands and adopt a servile tone in front of powerful figures fits this role, albeit with less genuine panic and more calculated flair.
Parallel Moment: Varys, standing on the quay, bemoaning the dishonor to the realm as Robert dangles from a window, all while subtly nudging Stannis to fix it.
4. The Fleet Commander
Description: A decisive, hands-on leader who takes charge of the extraction, barking orders and even suggesting absurd solutions like turpentine, showing both authority and desperation.
ASOIAF Replacement: Tywin Lannister
Why: Tywin’s commanding presence, strategic mind, and willingness to take drastic measures (like cutting Tolik out with a blowtorch) align with his ruthless pragmatism. He’d see Tolik’s predicament as a stain on discipline and act swiftly to restore order, albeit with a cold fury rather than the fleet commander’s chaotic energy.
Parallel Moment: Tywin climbing into the gazebo himself, ordering Robert greased and pulled, his face a mask of disgust as he mutters about the shame brought upon the fleet.
5. The Commander-in-Chief
Description: The ultimate authority who arrives late, assesses the mess, and orders a brutal, practical solution (cutting Tolik out with a blowtorch), showing no patience for the farce.
ASOIAF Replacement: Eddard Stark
Why: Ned’s straightforward, no-nonsense approach to justice and duty fits the commander-in-chief’s decisive intervention. While less brutal than Tywin, Ned would still order the extraction with a grim resolve, seeing it as a necessary end to the dishonor. His stoic demeanor contrasts with the absurdity, grounding the scene.
Parallel Moment: Ned, arriving at the pier, staring at Robert’s dangling form, and ordering the wall cut open with a curt “Do it,” his honor warring with exasperation.
6. The Medic
Description: A minor figure who objects to extreme measures with a naive “He’s a human being!” only to suggest sawing Tolik in half, earning scorn from the fleet commander.
ASOIAF Replacement: Samwell Tarly
Why: Sam’s earnestness and medical knowledge (from his Citadel training) make him a fit for the medic, though his cowardice might soften the absurd “saw him in half” line into a hesitant suggestion. His well-meaning but out-of-touch comment mirrors Sam’s occasional disconnect from the harsh realities around him.
Parallel Moment: Sam, wide-eyed, protesting Tywin’s turpentine plan—“But he’s a human being, my lord!”—before mumbling about saws and retreating under a glare.
Supporting Crew (The Sailors and Duty Officers)
Description: The grunts who execute orders, pulling and pushing Tolik with varying enthusiasm, caught in the absurdity of it all.
ASOIAF Replacement: Davos Seaworth and His Crew
Why: Davos, the loyal smuggler-turned-knight, and his rough-and-ready sailors embody the practical, world-weary men who’d haul Tolik out without question. Davos’s quiet competence contrasts with the officers’ bluster, making him a steady hand amid the chaos.
Parallel Moment: Davos and his men rigging ropes to extract Robert, muttering about the madness of lords while they tug.
The Story Reimagined
Picture this: King Robert Baratheon, three sheets to the wind, gets stuck in a Storm’s End window after a night of carousing. Stannis Baratheon, commanding the castle, fumes and orders him tied up, only for Robert to wriggle free and jam himself halfway out. Varys whines about the dishonor to the realm, Tywin Lannister arrives and takes charge with ruthless efficiency (suggesting wildfire to “cheer him up”), and Ned Stark finally steps in, ordering the wall cut open with a blowtorch-like solution. Samwell Tarly protests feebly, and Davos’s crew does the grunt work, all while the raising of the Baratheon stag banner looms as a darkly ironic backdrop.